My latest encounter in my reading about the physical and mental variability of being human is Riva Lehrer’s memoir Golem Girl. As with the other books I’ve read in this theme, there is much from her individual experience that resonates with me. I anticipate sharing several reflections inspired by Lehrer, starting with a two-part look at trust.
Trust: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.
Definition 1a in Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary 11th Edition
Trust is pervasive and essential in life. Every night, we trust we will wake up in the morning. Every morning, we trust that we will be able to move and function as we did the day before. Yet, at any moment our bodies may betray the trust we place in them.
It feels devastating. It feels unnerving. It fuels anger and fear.
Eventually, the surprise at the body’s latest betrayal might dissipate, but the devastation, unmooring, anger, and fear stay strong.
My body betrayed me several times in the last year when I thought I was recovering. Lehrer describes this succinctly: “Our body decides that what you could do on Monday is no longer doable on Wednesday.” (244)
I remain skeptical during my current streak of feeling okay. Even my use of the word okay is a result of the numerous betrayals. I don’t trust my body enough right now to say I’m more than okay. Also, assuming that my body was going to betray me again, I never started counting how long I’ve been okay. It’s been a while now.
It takes time to rebuild trust. I don’t know if as I recover from Long COVID whether I will be able return to the kind of trust I had in my body before getting ill. Maybe instead, I will learn to redefine my relationship with my body in a way that provides a cushion of grace for future “betrayals.”
Feature image credit: trust by gravisio from Noun Project (CC BY 3.0)
Carolyn Ristau 
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