Tomorrow is my birthday, and it is a hard one. It is my first (and ideally only) birthday with Long COVID. Since my mid-twenties, I have used birthdays to mark and celebrate accomplishments in the past year. How to celebrate this year is challenging on two levels.
First, looking back on the year’s accomplishments, they are all tinged with the modifiers “despite having Long COVID” or “because of Long COVID.” For example, because of Long COVID, the draft of my first full-length nonfiction book remains stuck at three chapters and an outline, instead of being a completed draft seeking publication. Instead, I created a final draft of my first poetry chapbook, but have only submitted it to one publisher so far (it was declined).
In other examples, despite having Long COVID, my business is still going to make a profit this year for the first time after five years; despite my having to cancel or postpone most of the projects and contracts I intended for this year. This is fortunate because as of last summer it is (intentionally) my sole source of income. Also, despite having Long COVID, I have made significant progress researching the origins of Pittsburgh’s zoning over the last 100 years. The initial findings will be released next year in a web-based platform, and this material will also support at least two book-length projects that I’ve had percolating for several years.
The second challenge of this birthday is the how to actually celebrate. A month ago, I was in an okay place with my Long COVID symptoms: stable/improving enough that I was beginning to envision the possibility of a small, low-key party using my annual birthday coupon to a local restaurant group. Unfortunately, for the last two weeks, I have been experiencing a low-grade fever and little to no appetite. The idea of any of the amazing food options at the diverse group of restaurants covered by my birthday coupon ranges from uninspiring to nauseating depending on the severity of my symptoms.
Writing this post, as is typical with this blog, has calmed me down. Instead of the tears of frustration and anguish that have continually leaked out over the past two weeks, I feel a sense of calm and a sense of pride over what I have accomplished in the past year.
How I will celebrate is still up in the air. I’m hoping that at some point this weekend, my fever will abate enough that I will feel up to going to get a macaron at one of the good bakeries in the region. Or if even that’s too much, maybe I can at least sit outside and eat a macaron that my mom brings from one of those bakeries.
Feature image credit: lemons by Serena from Noun Project (CC BY 3.0)
Carolyn Ristau 
One thought on “Lemonade”