While asking “why me?” can be harmful and ineffective, there may be value in asking “why now?” It is something I spent significant time reflecting on in the early weeks of my Long COVID experience. I tried to share my insights with my medical team at that time in case it helped with determining the approach to take with treatment, but it seemed that they did not care about anything that preceded my positive COVID test. Since no one else seemed to think it was valuable, I have since spent less time concerned with what happened before. However, my current readings are inspiring me to revisit the validity of my observations on the pre-COVID experience.
Nadina LaSpina’s memoir Such a Pretty Girl intrigued me by introducing me to post-polio syndrome. She cited a biography of FDR that explores the possibility that he had post-polio syndrome during his presidency. Hugh Gregory Gallagher opens FDR’s Splendid Deception with the story of the days leading up to FDR’s paralysis from polio (quote below, from pages 1-2). It echoes my thoughts on the days leading up to my development of COVID/Long COVID.
The ability of the human body to resist the attack of the polio virus is dependent upon both the body’s physical and psychological condition. A healthy person, free of great stress, presents the greatest resistance to the disease. FDR was neither rested nor stress-free. By his own admission, he was extremely tired that August day…. Had he the prescience to rest and place no strain upon his muscles, the severity of the attack and the extent of the resultant permanent paralysis would have been lessened. But this was not FDR’s style.
I have had acute COVID twice. Perhaps while I was still in the second acute phase, I realized that both instances followed periods of immense stress.
My first case of acute COVID happened within days of my completing the first full draft of my first full zoning ordinance rewrite, a 250-ish page document. A thrilling (for me) activity, but one that required an intense burst of work to complete by the deadline.
My second case of acute COVID happened after a month filled with two conferences, four presentations, and my first choir concert in 9 years. But that wasn’t all. Overlayed on top was the anxiety of traveling with my car for the first time since it was broken into and almost stolen on a urbantraipsing trip. Plus the social anxiety of going to a new conference and meeting new people – which ended up playing out amazingly well. In the end, so much happened to me professionally and emotionally that I ended up on my couch barely able to move from the exhaustion. And then I got COVID, and my couch has been my best friend for the last 9 months.
There is no value in speculating on whether it would have played out differently if I had done things differently in the month before getting sick. I don’t regret any of the things I did. Each had its own value and each increased my confidence in my professional and personal life choices. But even before getting sick, I knew I never wanted to have such an intense month again.
Since developing Long COVID, the desire to find a way to continue my professional and personal successes without overstraining my body has become even more imperative. Gallagher posits that overdoing exacerbated FDR’s experience of polio, and LaSpina identifies a correlation between her post-polio symptoms and stress levels. I also experience an increased severity in my Long COVID symptoms when my stress levels rise.
There is supposed to be a day when I will be over Long COVID and will return to my previous level of normal health. But Long COVID is so new, can anyone be truly sure that will be the end of it? Based on what I’ve read so far about post-polio, I feel I have an added incentive to find a way to accomplish my goals at a pace my body can handle during Long COVID and after it.
Featured image credit: overexertion by Gan Khoon Lay from Noun Project (CC BY 3.0)
Carolyn Ristau 
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