“Why me?” can be a dangerous and harmful question to ask. With my previous injuries and illnesses, I asked this question over and over. In the form I asked it, it carried an immense amount of shame and judgement. The question implied that the illness or injury correlated to character flaws. This judgement intertwined with a deep rooted assumption that I needed to fix myself before I could be a valid member of humanity.
My life-threatening experience of appendicitis helped me begin to change this narrative. While it was never clear how close I was to death, a part of my intestine was within hours of dying by the time I had my surgery. Because of my deeply ingrained narrative that illness and injury are a character flaw and largely in my mind, and my mom’s philosophy at the time that everything is always fine, it took me 60 hours from the time it should have been clear something was seriously wrong to decide I should seek medical attention.
As I slowly recovered over the next few months, I had plenty of time to reflect. I realized that the narrative of illness and injury somehow being my fault did not fit reality. This realization enabled me to ask for and accept help in learning to be more gracious with myself.
I did not change overnight, but seven years later, I am reaping the rewards of the hard work of therapy and self-acceptance. Long COVID is happening to me, but not because of any character flaw that I need to fix. Instead, I give my body the space, time, and tools it needs to heal.
Feature image credit: Shame by 빠삐용 from Noun Project (CC BY 3.0)
Carolyn Ristau 
One thought on “Why me?”